Can you believe that the Please Be My Girlfriend podcast with David Harris and Roman Presnell is going to hit its tenth show tomorrow! If you haven’t gotten hooked on the super fun and funny conversations that David and Roman have with some of the best young comedians and improvisors about relationships, dating, and anything else that may come up (including video games), get over to the PBMGF page on Feral Audio and jump in.
Then get ready for a new PBMGF tomorrow with the beautiful, smart, and funny Allison Becker.
Roman here with another update in the Please Be My Girlfriend universe! As of today the first episode of my brand new fucking podcast is available on itunes. I have been desperately searching for a celebrity girlfriend and you can now help me achieve my dreams by subscribing. It is free, after all, so it’s not like there’s any reason for you to act like a douchebag and NOT subscribe. You can find us on facebook as well as on twitter. And if you have the kickass internet in your house you can start to keep up with Please Be My Girlfriend as well as all the other awesome podcasts that are flying under the flag of Feral Audio at www.feralaudio.com on May 14. Thanks for reading, and if you’re a hot girl please get in touch with me at your earliest convenience.
Hello Kaley Cuoco! It’s okay, you can breathe easy now. I’m here for you. Let me tell you, I was watching television the other night and my heart went out to you. I absolutely could not BELIEVE the shitty situation you’d gotten stuck in. I was flipping channels and suddenly I saw your beautiful ass in sexy pajama pants and you were surrounded by goddamned nerds. They were everywhere and you were just cute as a button being all sexy and giving me a boner. I remember seeing you standing there looking so hot and those nerds were just BLOWING IT left and right. They kept talking about how Einstein got his nuts trapped in a black hole or whatever and fucking MC square and all of the other kinds of science shit nerds talk about, I don’t know, science is fucking lame, I remember dissecting owl poop or some shit back in 6th grade and I found a weasel skull and that was pretty much the coolest thing that ever happened in science other than whatever all that shit was that helped them make dinosaurs for jurassic park. Plus I’m pretty sure that short guy is some kind of hipster rapist. Well as soon as you give me a call and let me know where that place is I’ll show up and help you get moved the fuck out of there real fast. And if those nerds try to pull some shit with me I’ll push one of them down the stairs and then point at the other ones as if to say “just fucking try me.” Then you can go back to living a normal life filled with fun, alcohol and savage innovative sex with me. I know you might have gotten spoiled hanging out with those losers. I’m sure they all followed you everywhere and built your ego up and stuff, but it’s important that you remember that the fact I’m asking you to be my girlfriend is basically me going out of my way to do you a huge fucking favor. You’ll need to relearn humility under my sexual rehabilitation and remember that just because you are too hot for four fucking losers doesn’t mean you’re too good for my sensual romancing. I also won’t have you acting like the Queen of fucking England or whatever around my friends. You’ll have to remember that you’re no better than anyone else and I most definitely WILL NOT stick around to listen to your blabbermouthed nonsense about how fucking cool you are. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people who are judgmental and elitist. If there’s another thing I can’t stand it’s motherfucking nerds. But neither of these things will be worries of yours anymore, because I am here to rescue you, a hero of the same magnitude as Conan the Barbarian or that fat kid that killed that wizard’s snake in Harry Potter or whoever the hottest and coolest dude is in that Hunger Fights movie I never saw where all the kids have archery contests or something, whatever, books suck. Enough about me, let’s talk about you. One of the things I really like about you is that you wear pajama style stuff all the time which is way sexier than half the stuff that really tries to be sexy. I like when a hot girl (you) wears a wife-beater or pajama pants or ESPECIALLY those sort of boxer looking sleep shorts (pictured). It just lets me know that we’d be on the same page and that you’d totally be willing to sleep til noon, fuck a little bit, then sleep some more and probably get up between 3 and 5. Then I guess I’d go to work a bit but when I get home we could have some awesome sex (after I’ve sat down for a bit first and checked my facebook and stuff, my feet usually hurt when I get off and I just need a fucking break sometimes so relax). I just imagine that we could have such a fun time together because you are super cute and I like how you laugh and I like how you know you are clearly superior to those 4 fucking losers that you spend all your time with. So Kaley Cuoco, get ready because I’m about to sex you so hard that the physical embodiment of physics will vomit into its doubtless unsweetened shitty fiber cereal. I bet you’re a really good kisser.
PS: While you’re packing your bags you should try to scam those nerds out of their PS3 because we could really use one of those around the house.
Hello Keira Knightley! Allow me to introduce myself, my dear. I am Roman Presnell and you’d better believe that I want you to be my girlfriend. I have thought about you so much since the first time I saw you in that Pirate movie. I remember thinking you were so hot when you’d wear those dresses from the 1600s or 1800s or whenever the fuck all that pirate shit was going on. You know the dresses I’m talking about, those ones that make your rack all stick out and then when you laugh or breathe or whatever they look like they are going to just come rolling out but somehow they never do. I fucking love those dresses, especially when one has your sexy ass crammed up into it. I think we’d be a good match because we are both good swordfighters and we both have really beautiful eyes. Everywhere we go people would be so amazed and impressed and we could just do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. I think it would be really fun to have sex with you in your pirate-times dress and we could do some sexy role-playing. I could be some kickass pirate named Nut-beard Throb-pole, and you could be whatever your name was in that Pirate movie. Then I could make you walk my plank. Or, like, I guess not walk it but like pleasure it. Pleasure the plank. Then I would ravage you with my brutish pirate lovemaking and you would scream so loud the neighbors would call the police. Then when the police see it’s my house they’d know EXACTLY what was going on and then they’d high five each other and the next day I’d see them at Starbucks and they’d say “nice, bro.” And I’d say “Stay out of my fucking business, I don’t need Big Brother checking up on me all the time, Ron Paul 2012.” Then they’d walk off dejected, but still thinking I’m super cool. Another good thing about me is that I will not be gone in the morning. I will be a total sweetheart and make you some breakfast and spend a day with you just being together and doing fun stuff. I’ll give you space, too. For example, since you’re from England or whatever I’m sure you’ll want to watch some soccer games, and since I think that game is a bunch of crap you’ll never have to worry about me bothering you during a game. I will also never force you to explain the plot of all those Jane Austen movies because I will be miles away from any television that has that mess on it. I think it’s really cool of you to care so much about your country’s history to be in that King Arthur movie with that guy from Shoot’em Up. I’ve always wanted to be in a history movie, like I could play Benjamin Franklin. That would be a good idea, actually, if we made one of those movies together. You can be some old timey english chick who’s famous and I’ll be a famous old timey american and then we can meet through hilarious circumstances and then have sex during famous battles. Like maybe Betsy Ross was trying to sew the stars on the american flag but we were having wild sex on the blue part so she had to just sew the stars in a circle around us and that’s how that ridiculous flag we used to have got invented. Or maybe you’re my beloved and I bring you safe to America but then Benedict Arnold kidnaps you from my grasp in an attempt to return you to King Arthur but then I leap out of the bushes and kick Benedict Arnold directly in the penis. Then you’ll latch onto me and be like “Oh dear, Lord Roman, but I do believe that King Arthur dost await you at the top floor of the flat whence can only be reached by taking the lift. We’ll take the tube there whilst enjoying bangers and mash. Cheerio!” Then I’ll fuck you on the subway and show up in King Arthur’s Castle and throw him a duffel bag. He’ll open it and see a picture of George Washington flipping him the bird and lots of dynamite and he’ll look at me and say “Damn you, America!” and then it’ll blow up and knock him out the window and he’ll land on a minicooper and it’ll explode. So basically I think that is the kind of thing we could be doing together if you would JUST CALL ME. I swear to you, Keira Knightley, you are the prettiest girl in the whole world. I would love to hold hands with you and smile and have romantic adventures. Just you and me against the world. What do you say, honey, are you ready? Don’t be scared, we’ll make it through anything as long as we have each other. I can’t wait to fuck you.
Hello Emma Watson! I sure am glad you aren’t like 14 or whatever anymore so that I don’t have to feel weird about offering you this incredibly desirable position as my super awesome girlfriend! Let me tell you, I am really excited about spending a lot of time with you and helping you learn how to make use of your awesome magical power. You see, although I had a pretty good time watching those Harry Potter movies (I never saw the last one because once they finally killed off that stupid house elf thing I felt pretty satisfied with that as an ending and didn’t want to ruin it) I don’t think I would have enjoyed them half as much if you weren’t in them. The biggest problem I had with those movies is that everyone was such a jerkoff idiot loser in them. Nobody ever fucking realized that just ‘cause magic is helpful sometimes, doesn’t mean you should use it all the time. I could have gotten out of half those goddamn situations twice as fast with nothing but a knife and my handsome manly body. But we’re not here to talk about those nerds, we’re here to talk about us. I love that you read a lot and that you’re really smart because that means we can have meaningful conversations and do crossword problems and come up with really creative sexual positions. Plus when tax time comes around or setting up a monthly budget or any of that shit you can just take care of it and save both of us a lot of time and heartache. Speaking of heartache, that’s the kind of shit you’ll never have to deal with when you’re warming my bed nightly. I wouldn’t let anybody fuck with you. If that fucking Lord Voltenmord guy came around trying to give you shit I’d knock his goddamn teeth out. He’d be like “where’s your wand? What are you doing?” and then I’d crack his fucking jaw one more time and be like “stop acting like a fucking kid, put on some pants and grow up, nerd.” After that he’d probably cry and run away and try to do some kind of stupid magic trick or whatever but at least he’d be off my goddamn property. The real value of your magic powers lie in the things we can do in the bedroom. We can have sex while floating in midair. We can have sex underwater for hours. You could turn me into a copy of you and it would be like you were having sex with yourself but really you’d be having sex with me. Then we could video tape it and then when we watch it together it would be super hot. I’m not really sure what I’d do if you turned me into a copy of you and I didn’t have a dick, but I guess I’d figure it out. You know, now that I’m starting to really think this through it’s kind of making me feel weird and I don’t know if I want to do that anymore. I guess I still will, probably can’t hurt. Just be gentle with me because it will be my first time having a vagina and I’m nervous about the whole thing. And if I don’t like it just turn me back into me and i’ll finish it up from there. Anyway, I feel like this has gone to a really weird place and I want to talk about something else. Do you play Magic: The Gathering? I bet you do since you like wizards and shit. I do too, we can totally play Magic: The Gathering together Emma Watson! I think it would be really fun if we went to my comic shop back home and played in a Magic: The Gathering tournament and kicked everyone’s asses and then afterward we can kick all their Magic cards onto the floor and have sex all over them, which will simultaneously ruin them and increase their value tenfold. I know you are a pretty big nerd because you spend so much time in that stupid wizard library reading dumb books or whatever, but I can show you the fun things you can do in the real world. I would love to take you to a Lakers game and afterwards you can cast some spell to help us meet Kobe Bryant and he’ll teach me how to shoot clutch 3-pointers and you’ll clap really hard and get super wet and Kobe will be like “I may be Kobe Bryant, but you’re the luckiest guy in the world.” and I’ll be like “Okay, Kobe, can you find some place to be because me and my lady need some alone time and you’re fucking it up.” and he’ll be like “Oh, my bad, yeah, I’m out.” and I’ll say “Well don’t just stand around and fucking talk about it, just get the fuck out of here.” Then we’ll have sex right there on the floor of the staples center and afterwards we’ll look into each other’s eyes and you’ll whisper “There’s nothing more in this world I want than you.” and I’ll whisper “I’m not surprised since I just pleasured you so thoroughly. Let’s fuck again and I love you.” Doesn’t this sound great, Emma Watson? I think so. Also you should learn whatever magic spell makes your hair grow back because with short hair you look like this dude I had gym class with in 10th grade. So take care of that, get back to me, and let’s have some dirty magical sex! You have very pretty eyes.
Hello Scarlett Johansson! My name is Roman Presnell. I assume you’ve heard that name at sleepovers and stuff where you’re talking about boys with your hot celebrity friends. Well it looks like today is your lucky day, because I am asking you to be MY girlfriend! How cool is that? ‘Really fucking cool’ is the answer. First and foremost I just want to say that I really appreciate the size and shape of your wonderful breasts. They always look so healthy and fun, it’s obvious you take really good care of them. I think it’s that attention to detail that I really like about you, Scarlett Johansson. I’ve always thought you were so super sexy, even in that fucking Earring movie which was so goddamn boring. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on and it’s a dumb idea to make a movie about a painting anyway. I’m sorry they made you film that movie, I know you’d rather be doing something kickass like the Avengers or that movie with Bill Murray that I didn’t really understand but I love Bill Murray so it was awesome. I want you to know that when we are together it will be like all of your dreams have suddenly come true. You will be with a man who will pleasure you thoroughly and sing tenderly (I know a lot of disney songs and most of jesus christ superstar). You will be with a man who doesn’t give a shit that other dudes check you out all the time, in fact I think it rules. I wouldn’t be so selfish as to keep you from living your life and flirting with other dudes, because you know I’ll be flirting with hot girls too. I was thinking that when we are together we should work on a project together. I was thinking what might rule is if we started one of those tv shows about dancing and singing or whatever. I know that mean guy from american idol makes tons of money from all those shows he made. We would be even better. Here’s my idea: The contestant comes out and sings a song while we ravage each other sexually. They are then judged by the intensity of your orgasm. I think it would be really fun and we’d make a killing. Another thing that I want you to know is that I am willing to love you just the way you are. We all have weird things and regrets in our past and I love you in spite of yours. I saw that one movie where you tried to give Billy Bob Thornton a blowjob in the car and I won’t hold that against you. I once made out with a girl in the bathroom of Golden Corral so you’re not alone. It was weird because she was my cousin but not really, there were like 2 marriages in there that made us not blood related at all but I guess people still think it’s kinda weird but I didn’t think it was like a big deal really. I really like how we can open up to each other, Scarlett Johansson. I really feel like I can be myself around you. I would also like to put myself in you. I’m sure you picked up on that but I just want to be clear, I really want to have sex with you. Anyway, I have to go to work but you can come visit me there if you read this in the next few hours (It’s the Chipotle up the street) and I will make you a burrito or something. Or you can just pick me up afterwards because my car isn’t working right now. Whatever’s easiest for you. Okay, I look forward to our meeting and it’s going to be so nice holding hands and making out and sexing each other and stuff!
Hello Claire Danes! This has been a long time coming and I imagine you are just as excited as my ass is about our eventual meeting! I really have to tell you that I think you are just cute as a fucking button and I think that we could really have a good thing going here. I’m sure by now you’re all like “what the fuck is he hinting at? Surely there’s no way a guy like that is about to ask out some simple ole girl like me.” Well it turns out there IS a way that would happen, because it’s happening right now! I really want you to be my girlfriend but I also want to just pause real quick right here to tell you that you really shouldn’t get so down on yourself like that. There are lots of reasons you’re good enough for me and you shouldn’t doubt yourself if you want to achieve your dreams. Now back to motherfucking business. I remember watching Romeo and Juliet back in high school and you gave me some of the best boners that I can remember having. I couldn’t believe in that movie all the dumb shit Romeo kept doing that led to you guys having to off yourselves in that church or whatever. You know I would NEVER put you through any of that shit. First off there’s no way in hell that my parents wouldn’t like you, after all you’ve got money and you’re ultra sexy. Secondly, I’m not going to act like an asshole all over town and piss off everybody. That may be all fine and good for some piece of shit like Romeo, but I offer nothing but great times (and greater sex). If you wanted I could go visit you at your house and climb that fence just like him and fuck you on that balcony instead of pussing out like he did. And also I’ll make sure to use words you can understand instead of talking about making out with pilgrims and hands and shit. I don’t buy into that stupid Shakespeare talk, it’s a waste of time if you ask me. Most of the stuff that guy wrote is really shitty and everybody I know thinks it’s dumb. But then an angel like you came along and managed to make Romeo and Juliet not suck because you had really sexy tits and your acting or whatever was good. I also watched a lot of My So called Life and that’s probably where I first had an inkling that it might feel nice to enter you (vaginally). That show was really great and I don’t really want to talk about it right now because we should watch it together on Netflix and I don’t want to spoil it for you. Do you remember when you did that movie Stardust? I do, and I thought you were so super sexy in it, way sexier than michelle pfeiffeefferfrer who kind of passed the torch (of my boner) on to you. What it comes down to is that everything about you is so hot and you are so pretty and you could probably stand to put on a few pounds but nobody’s perfect so it’s okay. I just want us to hold hands and lick each other’s bodies and be so in love with each other that even when we are old we might still want to fuck each other (it’s true love if old people can have sex and not throw up). Well, Kobe, the balls in your court. Time to nut up and shoot that three pointer of love right in the defender’s face. There’s a joke about a cumshot in there but I don’t really know how to say it. I want to get married to you.
Hello everyone (especially ladies (especially ones with nice boobs (especially ones with nice asses))) it’s good to be back in the saddle! Just thought I’d drop off a piece of especially awesome news. Starting tomorrow, Please Be My Girlfriend will be updating by midnight every wednesday night! Be prepared for weekly updates, as well as a new layout coming soon as well as videos and podcasts! I’m taking every opportunity to get a beautiful, wonderful and wealthy celebrity girlfriend and am taking no prisoners. I’m pulling out all the stops (and my dick) in order to succeed in my goal. Stay tuned, new post tomorrow!
PS: Even if you aren’t a celebrity I’m always down for some practice boning. Don’t look for me on myspace, I haven’t been there since like 06 and I don’t even remember my password on that shit and I’m not 14. Find me on Twitter @good_old_roman or on the ‘book.
Hello Kyary Pamyu Pamyu! My name is Roman Presnell but you can call me Roman-san or something if that makes you feel more at home. The other day I saw your music video on youtube while I was pretty drunk and I just KNEW that in spite of the fact that we’ve never met there is a pretty strong connection betwixt us. You see, you are a seriously cute Chinese-type girl and even though I’ve historically loved Mexican-type girls I’m willing to try the yellow fever (that’s like jungle fever except with chinese-type girls instead of black girls). My point is that during the time I spent watching your music video I wasn’t sure if I was going insane or falling in love, but as someone in a Nicholas Sparks book once said (probably) “love and madness…what’s the difference?” My favorite thing about you is that you’re probably completely insane which means that I won’t have to deal with typical woman bullshit. Instead of being all like “let’s watch the Golden Globes” you’re far more likely to be like “let’s make a giant hamburger and shoot it out of a cannon and we’ll have condiment soaked sex in it while it soars through the air.” That kind of progressive Japanese thinking is something I can get behind, much like your sexy ass, even though I would like to get not only behind your ass but also in it. I know you’re young and all (I looked it up, sometimes you chinese-type girls can be anywhere from 11 to 61 and look exactly the same and I’m not trying to go to jail) but I remember when I was 20 I was fully prepared to enter into a long term relationship as long as it was wrought with unpredictability, proper lunacy and a high mortality rate. I was thinking that when we get together we’ll probably need a translator, so I looked those up too and found out that there are some really sexy translators out there. It’s my belief that our relationship would only be strengthened by regular sexual exploration in the form of threesomes with our sexy librarian type china-talk/American translator. We could learn fun dirty talk in each other’s languages. You could learn how to say things like “fuck me til I’m crippled so I can blow you in the ER” and I’ll learn how to say things like “don’t use the stapler so much, but don’t stop completely, I love this weird shit.” Also, and I hope this isn’t asking too much, but I really think we should make a music video together. You can teach me all your sweet moves and get me a weird costume and we’ll make the internet explode. Even those hackers that wear those V for Vendetta masks and hate everybody won’t be able to do anything but love us. I think that you and me, well, we’d just be the cutest dang thing in the world and I want us to kiss and do funny poses and throw up that peace sign thing that japanese people always do. You should know that I’m pretty good at Pokemon, I caught like 120+ Pokemon in Pokemon Red (I would have caught all of them but I was too busy working out and learning how to sex you up nicely). I can beat Samurai Showdown 1 AND 2. I’ve seen all of Cowboy Bebop and a lot of Dragonball Z so I pretty much have a strong grasp of what it’s like to live in your culture and impress you. On our first date we can go to a Japanese steakhouse and you can get whatever you want, it’s on me. I’m pretty sure you like Karaoke and there’s a pretty fun Karaoke bar near my apartment so we’ll go there for the evening and then on the way home we’ll buy some weird stuff, like some cat food and jello and tile cleaner and pvc pipes and an inflatable pool and some butternut squash and a trampoline and some orphans and some stock in a company and we’ll find a way to use all of them during our insane sex romp that will last either forever or until we are dead. So anyway, I’m glad I had this chance to talk to you and just let you know where I stand, and I hope you feel the same way too. If so, just call me up and place an order for my “mongolian beef.” I don’t know if that’s china or japan food, i don’t know the difference but I will try to learn. Please give me a chance, I can’t sleep at night because you’re on my mind.
Hello Felicia Day! Okay, calm down, I know this is a surprise to you, what with you being a shy nerd and all. I’ve wooed a great many celebrity women that have qualities you don’t possess but you shouldn’t feel intimidated or compare yourself to them. See, I really like you, even though you don’t have a lot of confidence or social skills or a super rack or exposure to the sun. None of that bothers me, baby, because I’m willing to take a chance on you. The way I see it, we could have a lot of fun together! I first saw you on Buffy, but back then i didn’t realize how hot you were because I was a teenager and well, Sarah Michelle Gellar, you know? Anyway, now that I’ve seen you in a lot of other stuff I think that you are super cute and that you would be pumped to date a stud with a giant wang like myself. Why is this a good opportunity for you? Well that’s a pretty dumb question coming from a nerd like yourself, but I’ll humor you. First of all I’m in a social class much higher than yours because i’m really popular and you’re like the lame nerd that everybody makes fun of and knocks your lunch tray out of your hands and stuff and we all laugh at you in the cafeteria. It’ll be like one of those movies where some ultra hot stud like me takes the nerd girl and turns her into the beautiful person she can be. And then afterwards I’ll raw dog you so hard you’ll be screaming the Konami Code in hopes we can do it 30 more times. Another good reason to date me is that I’m really tough and I can keep your frail body safe from harm. I can take a punch pretty good and I don’t give a shit about some gang of punks trying to harm you. I think you have really pretty hair and a nice smile and you probably don’t get to show off as much as you’d like to. I guess being the shy nerd you’re a virgin but I’ll be tender and sweet and help you ease into the transition of being pleasured almost constantly so that its not too much for you (even though I frequently hear what i’m packing is ‘too much’ if you know what I mean. I mean my penis is really big. And also I don’t mean to imply that it’s actually too much, it’s just big but that’s what chicks like so they just use the term ‘too much’ to fully describe the girth of my rod). We should lay down some ground rules, though, because I know you’re dripping at the panties to get over here and hang out, but we need to be realistic. I’m not going to do a bunch of lame shit like play Warcraft. That shit is for dumb nerds and we can do real person stuff like ride those two chair bicycles on the beach and share ice cream and when your ice cream scoop falls off i’ll give you my top scoop off of my ice cream and then we’ll both eat our ice cream and also laugh and also touch each other’s crotches. If I go with you to a comic convention or something like that with you, you shouldn’t get mad if I check out those nerd girls that wear weird costumes that are also hot. I went to one of those things one time and a girl was dressed like sexy pikachu and it made me feel weird and also feel horny. Look, I’m a romantic, that’s just me, and I want to take you out and make you super happy. If you ever want to buy something kinda dumb with your money, I’ll allow it because I’m not controlling. But you should also consider buying something super rad for me also, like one of those new blankets that’s like pajamas also and you can poop without taking it off cause it has a butt hole, but not like a person’s butt hole, like a cloth one with buttons that actually reveals your butthole when you need to poop. So anyway I think you are so pretty and good at singing and being an actress and I just think you’re so sweet. Just a real sweetheart. So let’s get together and make love to each other and with each other and sometimes i’ll make love with you from behind. I’m on twitter now so you can follow me, just private message me to set this thing up. Let’s think long term because I could fall in love with you.
PS: When you come over bring Skyrim because I haven’t had a chance to play it yet and would really like to.