Please Be My Girlfriend

feralaudio: Can you believe that the Please Be My Girlfriend...

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 13:29:20 -0700

Can you believe that the Please Be My Girlfriend podcast with David Harris and Roman Presnell is going to hit its tenth show tomorrow! If you haven’t gotten hooked on the super fun and funny conversations that David and Roman have with some of the best young comedians and improvisors about relationships, dating, and anything else that may come up (including video games), get over to the PBMGF page on Feral Audio and jump in.

Then get ready for a new PBMGF tomorrow with the beautiful, smart, and funny Allison Becker.

Roman here with another update in the Please Be My Girlfriend...

Thu, 10 May 2012 03:11:37 -0700

Roman here with another update in the Please Be My Girlfriend universe! As of today the first episode of my brand new fucking podcast is available on itunes. I have been desperately searching for a celebrity girlfriend and you can now help me achieve my dreams by subscribing. It is free, after all, so it’s not like there’s any reason for you to act like a douchebag and NOT subscribe. You can find us on facebook as well as on twitter. And if you have the kickass internet in your house you can start to keep up with Please Be My Girlfriend as well as all the other awesome podcasts that are flying under the flag of Feral Audio at www.feralaudio.com on May 14. Thanks for reading, and if you’re a hot girl please get in touch with me at your earliest convenience.

Hello Kaley Cuoco! It’s okay, you can breathe easy now. ...

Thu, 03 May 2012 12:43:00 -0700

Hello Kaley Cuoco! It’s okay, you can breathe easy now. I’m here for you. Let me tell you, I was watching television the other night and my heart went out to you. I absolutely could not BELIEVE the shitty situation you’d gotten stuck in. I was flipping channels and suddenly I saw your beautiful ass in sexy pajama pants and you were surrounded by goddamned nerds. They were everywhere and you were just cute as a button being all sexy and giving me a boner. I remember seeing you standing there looking so hot and those nerds were just BLOWING IT left and right. They kept talking about how Einstein got his nuts trapped in a black hole or whatever and fucking MC square and all of the other kinds of science shit nerds talk about, I don’t know, science is fucking lame, I remember dissecting owl poop or some shit back in 6th grade and I found a weasel skull and that was pretty much the coolest thing that ever happened in science other than whatever all that shit was that helped them make dinosaurs for jurassic park. Plus I’m pretty sure that short guy is some kind of hipster rapist. Well as soon as you give me a call and let me know where that place is I’ll show up and help you get moved the fuck out of there real fast. And if those nerds try to pull some shit with me I’ll push one of them down the stairs and then point at the other ones as if to say “just fucking try me.” Then you can go back to living a normal life filled with fun, alcohol and savage innovative sex with me. I know you might have gotten spoiled hanging out with those losers. I’m sure they all followed you everywhere and built your ego up and stuff, but it’s important that you remember that the fact I’m asking you to be my girlfriend is basically me going out of my way to do you a huge fucking favor. You’ll need to relearn humility under my sexual rehabilitation and remember that just because you are too hot for four fucking losers doesn’t mean you’re too good for my sensual romancing. I also won’t have you acting like the Queen of fucking England or whatever around my friends. You’ll have to remember that you’re no better than anyone else and I most definitely WILL NOT stick around to listen to your blabbermouthed nonsense about how fucking cool you are. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people who are judgmental and elitist. If there’s another thing I can’t stand it’s motherfucking nerds. But neither of these things will be worries of yours anymore, because I am here to rescue you, a hero of the same magnitude as Conan the Barbarian or that fat kid that killed that wizard’s snake in Harry Potter or whoever the hottest and coolest dude is in that Hunger Fights movie I never saw where all the kids have archery contests or something, whatever, books suck. Enough about me, let’s talk about you. One of the things I really like about you is that you wear pajama style stuff all the time which is way sexier than half the stuff that really tries to be sexy. I like when a hot girl (you) wears a wife-beater or pajama pants or ESPECIALLY those sort of boxer looking sleep shorts (pictured). It just lets me know that we’d be on the same page and that you’d totally be willing to sleep til noon, fuck a little bit, then sleep some more and probably get up between 3 and 5. Then I guess I’d go to work a bit but when I get home we could have some awesome sex (after I’ve sat down for a bit first and checked my facebook and stuff, my feet usually hurt when I get off and I just need a fucking break sometimes so relax). I just imagine that we could have such a fun time together because you are super cute and I like how you laugh and I like how you know you are clearly superior to those 4 fucking losers that you spend all your time with. So Kaley Cuoco, get ready because I’m about to sex you so hard that the physical embodiment of physics will vomit into its doubtless unsweetened shitty fiber cereal. I bet you’re a really good kisser.

PS: While you’re packing your bags you should try to scam those nerds out of their PS3 because we could really use one of those around the house.

Hello Keira Knightley! Allow me to introduce myself, my dear. ...

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 23:16:00 -0700

Hello Keira Knightley! Allow me to introduce myself, my dear. I am Roman Presnell and you’d better believe that I want you to be my girlfriend. I have thought about you so much since the first time I saw you in that Pirate movie. I remember thinking you were so hot when you’d wear those dresses from the 1600s or 1800s or whenever the fuck all that pirate shit was going on. You know the dresses I’m talking about, those ones that make your rack all stick out and then when you laugh or breathe or whatever they look like they are going to just come rolling out but somehow they never do. I fucking love those dresses, especially when one has your sexy ass crammed up into it. I think we’d be a good match because we are both good swordfighters and we both have really beautiful eyes. Everywhere we go people would be so amazed and impressed and we could just do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. I think it would be really fun to have sex with you in your pirate-times dress and we could do some sexy role-playing. I could be some kickass pirate named Nut-beard Throb-pole, and you could be whatever your name was in that Pirate movie. Then I could make you walk my plank. Or, like, I guess not walk it but like pleasure it. Pleasure the plank. Then I would ravage you with my brutish pirate lovemaking and you would scream so loud the neighbors would call the police. Then when the police see it’s my house they’d know EXACTLY what was going on and then they’d high five each other and the next day I’d see them at Starbucks and they’d say “nice, bro.” And I’d say “Stay out of my fucking business, I don’t need Big Brother checking up on me all the time, Ron Paul 2012.” Then they’d walk off dejected, but still thinking I’m super cool. Another good thing about me is that I will not be gone in the morning. I will be a total sweetheart and make you some breakfast and spend a day with you just being together and doing fun stuff. I’ll give you space, too. For example, since you’re from England or whatever I’m sure you’ll want to watch some soccer games, and since I think that game is a bunch of crap you’ll never have to worry about me bothering you during a game. I will also never force you to explain the plot of all those Jane Austen movies because I will be miles away from any television that has that mess on it. I think it’s really cool of you to care so much about your country’s history to be in that King Arthur movie with that guy from Shoot’em Up. I’ve always wanted to be in a history movie, like I could play Benjamin Franklin. That would be a good idea, actually, if we made one of those movies together. You can be some old timey english chick who’s famous and I’ll be a famous old timey american and then we can meet through hilarious circumstances and then have sex during famous battles. Like maybe Betsy Ross was trying to sew the stars on the american flag but we were having wild sex on the blue part so she had to just sew the stars in a circle around us and that’s how that ridiculous flag we used to have got invented. Or maybe you’re my beloved and I bring you safe to America but then Benedict Arnold kidnaps you from my grasp in an attempt to return you to King Arthur but then I leap out of the bushes and kick Benedict Arnold directly in the penis. Then you’ll latch onto me and be like “Oh dear, Lord Roman, but I do believe that King Arthur dost await you at the top floor of the flat whence can only be reached by taking the lift. We’ll take the tube there whilst enjoying bangers and mash. Cheerio!” Then I’ll fuck you on the subway and show up in King Arthur’s Castle and throw him a duffel bag. He’ll open it and see a picture of George Washington flipping him the bird and lots of dynamite and he’ll look at me and say “Damn you, America!” and then it’ll blow up and knock him out the window and he’ll land on a minicooper and it’ll explode. So basically I think that is the kind of thing we could be doing together if you would JUST CALL ME. I swear to you, Keira Knightley, you are the prettiest girl in the whole world. I would love to hold hands with you and smile and have romantic adventures. Just you and me against the world. What do you say, honey, are you ready? Don’t be scared, we’ll make it through anything as long as we have each other. I can’t wait to fuck you.

Hello Emma Watson! I sure am glad you aren’t like 14 or...

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:28:00 -0700

Hello Emma Watson! I sure am glad you aren’t like 14 or whatever anymore so that I don’t have to feel weird about offering you this incredibly desirable position as my super awesome girlfriend! Let me tell you, I am really excited about spending a lot of time with you and helping you learn how to make use of your awesome magical power. You see, although I had a pretty good time watching those Harry Potter movies (I never saw the last one because once they finally killed off that stupid house elf thing I felt pretty satisfied with that as an ending and didn’t want to ruin it) I don’t think I would have enjoyed them half as much if you weren’t in them. The biggest problem I had with those movies is that everyone was such a jerkoff idiot loser in them. Nobody ever fucking realized that just ‘cause magic is helpful sometimes, doesn’t mean you should use it all the time. I could have gotten out of half those goddamn situations twice as fast with nothing but a knife and my handsome manly body. But we’re not here to talk about those nerds, we’re here to talk about us. I love that you read a lot and that you’re really smart because that means we can have meaningful conversations and do crossword problems and come up with really creative sexual positions. Plus when tax time comes around or setting up a monthly budget or any of that shit you can just take care of it and save both of us a lot of time and heartache. Speaking of heartache, that’s the kind of shit you’ll never have to deal with when you’re warming my bed nightly. I wouldn’t let anybody fuck with you. If that fucking Lord Voltenmord guy came around trying to give you shit I’d knock his goddamn teeth out. He’d be like “where’s your wand? What are you doing?” and then I’d crack his fucking jaw one more time and be like “stop acting like a fucking kid, put on some pants and grow up, nerd.” After that he’d probably cry and run away and try to do some kind of stupid magic trick or whatever but at least he’d be off my goddamn property. The real value of your magic powers lie in the things we can do in the bedroom. We can have sex while floating in midair. We can have sex underwater for hours. You could turn me into a copy of you and it would be like you were having sex with yourself but really you’d be having sex with me. Then we could video tape it and then when we watch it together it would be super hot. I’m not really sure what I’d do if you turned me into a copy of you and I didn’t have a dick, but I guess I’d figure it out. You know, now that I’m starting to really think this through it’s kind of making me feel weird and I don’t know if I want to do that anymore. I guess I still will, probably can’t hurt. Just be gentle with me because it will be my first time having a vagina and I’m nervous about the whole thing. And if I don’t like it just turn me back into me and i’ll finish it up from there. Anyway, I feel like this has gone to a really weird place and I want to talk about something else. Do you play Magic: The Gathering? I bet you do since you like wizards and shit. I do too, we can totally play Magic: The Gathering together Emma Watson! I think it would be really fun if we went to my comic shop back home and played in a Magic: The Gathering tournament and kicked everyone’s asses and then afterward we can kick all their Magic cards onto the floor and have sex all over them, which will simultaneously ruin them and increase their value tenfold. I know you are a pretty big nerd because you spend so much time in that stupid wizard library reading dumb books or whatever, but I can show you the fun things you can do in the real world. I would love to take you to a Lakers game and afterwards you can cast some spell to help us meet Kobe Bryant and he’ll teach me how to shoot clutch 3-pointers and you’ll clap really hard and get super wet and Kobe will be like “I may be Kobe Bryant, but you’re the luckiest guy in the world.” and I’ll be like “Okay, Kobe, can you find some place to be because me and my lady need some alone time and you’re fucking it up.” and he’ll be like “Oh, my bad, yeah, I’m out.” and I’ll say “Well don’t just stand around and fucking talk about it, just get the fuck out of here.” Then we’ll have sex right there on the floor of the staples center and afterwards we’ll look into each other’s eyes and you’ll whisper “There’s nothing more in this world I want than you.” and I’ll whisper “I’m not surprised since I just pleasured you so thoroughly. Let’s fuck again and I love you.” Doesn’t this sound great, Emma Watson? I think so. Also you should learn whatever magic spell makes your hair grow back because with short hair you look like this dude I had gym class with in 10th grade. So take care of that, get back to me, and let’s have some dirty magical sex! You have very pretty eyes.

Hello Scarlett Johansson! My name is Roman Presnell. I assume...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:49:34 -0700

Hello Scarlett Johansson! My name is Roman Presnell. I assume you’ve heard that name at sleepovers and stuff where you’re talking about boys with your hot celebrity friends. Well it looks like today is your lucky day, because I am asking you to be MY girlfriend! How cool is that? ‘Really fucking cool’ is the answer. First and foremost I just want to say that I really appreciate the size and shape of your wonderful breasts. They always look so healthy and fun, it’s obvious you take really good care of them. I think it’s that attention to detail that I really like about you, Scarlett Johansson. I’ve always thought you were so super sexy, even in that fucking Earring movie which was so goddamn boring. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on and it’s a dumb idea to make a movie about a painting anyway. I’m sorry they made you film that movie, I know you’d rather be doing something kickass like the Avengers or that movie with Bill Murray that I didn’t really understand but I love Bill Murray so it was awesome. I want you to know that when we are together it will be like all of your dreams have suddenly come true. You will be with a man who will pleasure you thoroughly and sing tenderly (I know a lot of disney songs and most of jesus christ superstar). You will be with a man who doesn’t give a shit that other dudes check you out all the time, in fact I think it rules. I wouldn’t be so selfish as to keep you from living your life and flirting with other dudes, because you know I’ll be flirting with hot girls too. I was thinking that when we are together we should work on a project together. I was thinking what might rule is if we started one of those tv shows about dancing and singing or whatever. I know that mean guy from american idol makes tons of money from all those shows he made. We would be even better. Here’s my idea: The contestant comes out and sings a song while we ravage each other sexually. They are then judged by the intensity of your orgasm. I think it would be really fun and we’d make a killing. Another thing that I want you to know is that I am willing to love you just the way you are. We all have weird things and regrets in our past and I love you in spite of yours. I saw that one movie where you tried to give Billy Bob Thornton a blowjob in the car and I won’t hold that against you. I once made out with a girl in the bathroom of Golden Corral so you’re not alone. It was weird because she was my cousin but not really, there were like 2 marriages in there that made us not blood related at all but I guess people still think it’s kinda weird but I didn’t think it was like a big deal really. I really like how we can open up to each other, Scarlett Johansson. I really feel like I can be myself around you. I would also like to put myself in you. I’m sure you picked up on that but I just want to be clear, I really want to have sex with you. Anyway, I have to go to work but you can come visit me there if you read this in the next few hours (It’s the Chipotle up the street) and I will make you a burrito or something. Or you can just pick me up afterwards because my car isn’t working right now. Whatever’s easiest for you. Okay, I look forward to our meeting and it’s going to be so nice holding hands and making out and sexing each other and stuff!

Hello Claire Danes! This has been a long time coming and I...

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 23:40:24 -0700

Hello Claire Danes! This has been a long time coming and I imagine you are just as excited as my ass is about our eventual meeting! I really have to tell you that I think you are just cute as a fucking button and I think that we could really have a good thing going here. I’m sure by now you’re all like “what the fuck is he hinting at? Surely there’s no way a guy like that is about to ask out some simple ole girl like me.” Well it turns out there IS a way that would happen, because it’s happening right now! I really want you to be my girlfriend but I also want to just pause real quick right here to tell you that you really shouldn’t get so down on yourself like that. There are lots of reasons you’re good enough for me and you shouldn’t doubt yourself if you want to achieve your dreams. Now back to motherfucking business. I remember watching Romeo and Juliet back in high school and you gave me some of the best boners that I can remember having. I couldn’t believe in that movie all the dumb shit Romeo kept doing that led to you guys having to off yourselves in that church or whatever. You know I would NEVER put you through any of that shit. First off there’s no way in hell that my parents wouldn’t like you, after all you’ve got money and you’re ultra sexy. Secondly, I’m not going to act like an asshole all over town and piss off everybody. That may be all fine and good for some piece of shit like Romeo, but I offer nothing but great times (and greater sex). If you wanted I could go visit you at your house and climb that fence just like him and fuck you on that balcony instead of pussing out like he did. And also I’ll make sure to use words you can understand instead of talking about making out with pilgrims and hands and shit. I don’t buy into that stupid Shakespeare talk, it’s a waste of time if you ask me. Most of the stuff that guy wrote is really shitty and everybody I know thinks it’s dumb. But then an angel like you came along and managed to make Romeo and Juliet not suck because you had really sexy tits and your acting or whatever was good. I also watched a lot of My So called Life and that’s probably where I first had an inkling that it might feel nice to enter you (vaginally). That show was really great and I don’t really want to talk about it right now because we should watch it together on Netflix and I don’t want to spoil it for you. Do you remember when you did that movie Stardust? I do, and I thought you were so super sexy in it, way sexier than michelle pfeiffeefferfrer who kind of passed the torch (of my boner) on to you. What it comes down to is that everything about you is so hot and you are so pretty and you could probably stand to put on a few pounds but nobody’s perfect so it’s okay. I just want us to hold hands and lick each other’s bodies and be so in love with each other that even when we are old we might still want to fuck each other (it’s true love if old people can have sex and not throw up). Well, Kobe, the balls in your court. Time to nut up and shoot that three pointer of love right in the defender’s face. There’s a joke about a cumshot in there but I don’t really know how to say it. I want to get married to you.

Hello everyone (especially ladies (especially ones with nice...

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 15:45:23 -0700

Hello everyone (especially ladies (especially ones with nice boobs (especially ones with nice asses))) it’s good to be back in the saddle! Just thought I’d drop off a piece of especially awesome news. Starting tomorrow, Please Be My Girlfriend will be updating by midnight every wednesday night! Be prepared for weekly updates, as well as a new layout coming soon as well as videos and podcasts! I’m taking every opportunity to get a beautiful, wonderful and wealthy celebrity girlfriend and am taking no prisoners. I’m pulling out all the stops (and my dick) in order to succeed in my goal. Stay tuned, new post tomorrow!

PS: Even if you aren’t a celebrity I’m always down for some practice boning. Don’t look for me on myspace, I haven’t been there since like 06 and I don’t even remember my password on that shit and I’m not 14. Find me on Twitter @good_old_roman or on the ‘book.

Hello Kyary Pamyu Pamyu! My name is Roman Presnell but you can...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:13:49 -0800

Hello Kyary Pamyu Pamyu! My name is Roman Presnell but you can call me Roman-san or something if that makes you feel more at home. The other day I saw your music video on youtube while I was pretty drunk and I just KNEW that in spite of the fact that we’ve never met there is a pretty strong connection betwixt us. You see, you are a seriously cute Chinese-type girl and even though I’ve historically loved Mexican-type girls I’m willing to try the yellow fever (that’s like jungle fever except with chinese-type girls instead of black girls). My point is that during the time I spent watching your music video I wasn’t sure if I was going insane or falling in love, but as someone in a Nicholas Sparks book once said (probably) “love and madness…what’s the difference?” My favorite thing about you is that you’re probably completely insane which means that I won’t have to deal with typical woman bullshit. Instead of being all like “let’s watch the Golden Globes” you’re far more likely to be like “let’s make a giant hamburger and shoot it out of a cannon and we’ll have condiment soaked sex in it while it soars through the air.” That kind of progressive Japanese thinking is something I can get behind, much like your sexy ass, even though I would like to get not only behind your ass but also in it. I know you’re young and all (I looked it up, sometimes you chinese-type girls can be anywhere from 11 to 61 and look exactly the same and I’m not trying to go to jail) but I remember when I was 20 I was fully prepared to enter into a long term relationship as long as it was wrought with unpredictability, proper lunacy and a high mortality rate. I was thinking that when we get together we’ll probably need a translator, so I looked those up too and found out that there are some really sexy translators out there. It’s my belief that our relationship would only be strengthened by regular sexual exploration in the form of threesomes with our sexy librarian type china-talk/American translator. We could learn fun dirty talk in each other’s languages. You could learn how to say things like “fuck me til I’m crippled so I can blow you in the ER” and I’ll learn how to say things like “don’t use the stapler so much, but don’t stop completely, I love this weird shit.” Also, and I hope this isn’t asking too much, but I really think we should make a music video together. You can teach me all your sweet moves and get me a weird costume and we’ll make the internet explode. Even those hackers that wear those V for Vendetta masks and hate everybody won’t be able to do anything but love us. I think that you and me, well, we’d just be the cutest dang thing in the world and I want us to kiss and do funny poses and throw up that peace sign thing that japanese people always do. You should know that I’m pretty good at Pokemon, I caught like 120+ Pokemon in Pokemon Red (I would have caught all of them but I was too busy working out and learning how to sex you up nicely). I can beat Samurai Showdown 1 AND 2. I’ve seen all of Cowboy Bebop and a lot of Dragonball Z so I pretty much have a strong grasp of what it’s like to live in your culture and impress you. On our first date we can go to a Japanese steakhouse and you can get whatever you want, it’s on me. I’m pretty sure you like Karaoke and there’s a pretty fun Karaoke bar near my apartment so we’ll go there for the evening and then on the way home we’ll buy some weird stuff, like some cat food and jello and tile cleaner and pvc pipes and an inflatable pool and some butternut squash and a trampoline and some orphans and some stock in a company and we’ll find a way to use all of them during our insane sex romp that will last either forever or until we are dead. So anyway, I’m glad I had this chance to talk to you and just let you know where I stand, and I hope you feel the same way too. If so, just call me up and place an order for my “mongolian beef.” I don’t know if that’s china or japan food, i don’t know the difference but I will try to learn. Please give me a chance, I can’t sleep at night because you’re on my mind.

Hello Felicia Day! Okay, calm down, I know this is a surprise...

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:03:00 -0800

Hello Felicia Day! Okay, calm down, I know this is a surprise to you, what with you being a shy nerd and all. I’ve wooed a great many celebrity women that have qualities you don’t possess but you shouldn’t feel intimidated or compare yourself to them. See, I really like you, even though you don’t have a lot of confidence or social skills or a super rack or exposure to the sun. None of that bothers me, baby, because I’m willing to take a chance on you. The way I see it, we could have a lot of fun together! I first saw you on Buffy, but back then i didn’t realize how hot you were because I was a teenager and well, Sarah Michelle Gellar, you know? Anyway, now that I’ve seen you in a lot of other stuff I think that you are super cute and that you would be pumped to date a stud with a giant wang like myself. Why is this a good opportunity for you? Well that’s a pretty dumb question coming from a nerd like yourself, but I’ll humor you. First of all I’m in a social class much higher than yours because i’m really popular and you’re like the lame nerd that everybody makes fun of and knocks your lunch tray out of your hands and stuff and we all laugh at you in the cafeteria. It’ll be like one of those movies where some ultra hot stud like me takes the nerd girl and turns her into the beautiful person she can be. And then afterwards I’ll raw dog you so hard you’ll be screaming the Konami Code in hopes we can do it 30 more times. Another good reason to date me is that I’m really tough and I can keep your frail body safe from harm. I can take a punch pretty good and I don’t give a shit about some gang of punks trying to harm you. I think you have really pretty hair and a nice smile and you probably don’t get to show off as much as you’d like to. I guess being the shy nerd you’re a virgin but I’ll be tender and sweet and help you ease into the transition of being pleasured almost constantly so that its not too much for you (even though I frequently hear what i’m packing is ‘too much’ if you know what I mean. I mean my penis is really big. And also I don’t mean to imply that it’s actually too much, it’s just big but that’s what chicks like so they just use the term ‘too much’ to fully describe the girth of my rod). We should lay down some ground rules, though, because I know you’re dripping at the panties to get over here and hang out, but we need to be realistic. I’m not going to do a bunch of lame shit like play Warcraft. That shit is for dumb nerds and we can do real person stuff like ride those two chair bicycles on the beach and share ice cream and when your ice cream scoop falls off i’ll give you my top scoop off of my ice cream and then we’ll both eat our ice cream and also laugh and also touch each other’s crotches. If I go with you to a comic convention or something like that with you, you shouldn’t get mad if I check out those nerd girls that wear weird costumes that are also hot. I went to one of those things one time and a girl was dressed like sexy pikachu and it made me feel weird and also feel horny. Look, I’m a romantic, that’s just me, and I want to take you out and make you super happy. If you ever want to buy something kinda dumb with your money, I’ll allow it because I’m not controlling. But you should also consider buying something super rad for me also, like one of those new blankets that’s like pajamas also and you can poop without taking it off cause it has a butt hole, but not like a person’s butt hole, like a cloth one with buttons that actually reveals your butthole when you need to poop. So anyway I think you are so pretty and good at singing and being an actress and I just think you’re so sweet. Just a real sweetheart. So let’s get together and make love to each other and with each other and sometimes i’ll make love with you from behind. I’m on twitter now so you can follow me, just private message me to set this thing up. Let’s think long term because I could fall in love with you.

PS: When you come over bring Skyrim because I haven’t had a chance to play it yet and would really like to.

Hello Emilia Clarke! You are very beautiful. I’m...

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 01:11:00 -0700

Hello Emilia Clarke! You are very beautiful. I’m beautiful? Oh, stop! Thank you for saying so, Emilia! You know the more I think about you and your sexy ass, the more I really want to make this once in a lifetime offer to you. In case you haven’t heard, I’m in the market for a SERIOUS celebrity girlfriend. I saw you on Game of Thrones, and I was SO glad it was an HBO show so that you would be naked sometimes. I remember on that show lots of people were fucking, but anytime it wasn’t you I was let down. And even when it WAS you I was still kinda let down because let’s face it, it shoulda been me. And that’s okay, I TOTALLY understand, you didn’t know me yet and nobody should expect you to know that there is a guy as amazing as me out there just waiting to put my head betwixt thy legs (thought I’d use some talk from knight-times to prove that I watched your show). I also wanted to tell you that I don’t know what the fuck you’re wearing in this picture but it’s super hot. I do ask that you remove those gloves or whatever before you get down to business with my longsword (that’s a eucharism for penis. A eucharistm is like when you say one word but secretly you mean another word even though it’s not really a secret. Nevermind, I’ll explain it later). I know you’ve got that big mean boyfriend on that show, but he’s totally got a boner for horses, and I think that’s super dumb, especially when he should have a boner for you (I have a mega boner for you. ‘Mega’ is a word that kind of like means ‘super’ or ‘awesome’ in case you didn’t know). The point is that I could totally kick the shit out of that dude. I know you might think that’s farfetched, but you’ve never seen me fight, especially when there’s sexy trim on the line. I’ve thought very seriously on the matter of what I could do to prove to you that I am in love with you, and it came to me that I could start being sort of a swordfighter that righted wrongs throughout Los Angeles. Then when they interview me on the news for fucking skewering some skateboard purse bandit or something I’ll look at the camera and say ‘I risk my life every day stabbing punks with a sword in the name of Emilia Clarke. I love her very dearly, and I want to go balls deep for real.” Then I imagine you’ll do that cute smile and be like “I seriously have to masturbate after that.” And then whether you do or not I don’t really care (although I know for a fact that you would after that) because I would be waiting for you to show up at my place and make our relationship real. I would take really good care of you, I just got a job at Target and I would make sure that you’re well provided for and I would make sure you could ride your horses and stuff whenever you wanted. I would feed those baby dragons and house-break them for us. I would swat those little fuckers so hard right in the mouth with a newspaper and they would KNOW respect, just like I expect you to do when this all goes down. I don’t want any bullshit lip and I swear you’d better not cry while we’re together because I really hate that shit. I don’t think that would be a problem though because you are ALL woman and a real lady, and you would never make me look bad in front of my friends that smoke cigarettes out back of that Armenian restaurant next door. I just want to have so much sex with you it makes me sick (but not so sick that I couldn’t still toss the wang your way). So if you want to just give me a call or hit me up on twitter. I’d be willing to give this a real shot.

Hello Sawyer! My name is Roman. I saw you in a movie called...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 16:38:18 -0700

Hello Sawyer! My name is Roman. I saw you in a movie called “Cats Don’t Dance” and I have to admit, I felt a little strange. By that I mean I got a boner, which is weird seeing as how you’re a cat and all. But I thought about it and decided that nothing’s too freaky for me, and that I’d just go ahead and give it a shot, especially since you’re so sweet in spite of your sassy edge. I remember how in that movie that other cat moved to LA and you were helping him get adjusted and turn into a big time superstar or whatever, and I figured maybe you could help me out with that too. I do think there are some issues we need to discuss though. First of all, I’m wondering if there’s some special cat-way of having sex that I should know about, or if you are more human than cat. I don’t know the logistics, but I’m assuming you are mostly just a hot person that sort of looks like a cat. For example, cats have lots of nipples but according to your pictures and stuff you have two human-style boobs. You can also speak english and you are able to reason like a human being, so I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that you fuck like a person too. I also had a concern that maybe you’ll need to shave certain areas (if you already haven’t) because cat hair can be abrasive and is a bitch to get off of furniture and stuff. Also my best friend is allergic to cats and I don’t want to meet him for lunch or something after we just boned and him start sneezing and stuff, both because I don’t want him to deal with allergies and because I don’t like the idea of him being able to know about every time we have sex via an allergic reaction. I also think I might be sort of a step up for you since you’re a cat-woman, and it’s probably hard to find a man or be taken seriously. I am an adult human being and thus am eligible for all benefits offered therein. For example, I am a US citizen, I can get insurance and other health benefits, and it’s illegal to kill me. I can spread these benefits to you. I also have to warn you that it will be incredibly hard for me to resist making puns about “pussy” so you’ll just have to fucking grow up and deal with that because I don’t change for any woman, especially a dumbass cat. Look, all I really want is for you to speak to me in that sultry voice that is in no way like an irritating ‘meow’ and then we’ll go home and turn the couch into a new scratching post (you’ll be scratching it because we’re having intense sex). Also I hope you’re on birth control because I don’t want to know what would happen if we had babies. I would also make sure to register you with the Humane society in case something happened and you got lost, they would contact me instead of killing the shit out of you. Okay, I guess you probably want to take a little cat nap now (HAHA!) so I’ll let you go, but just know when i say I want to “beat the pussy up” I don’t mean that I want to physically abuse you. Love ya, kid.

Hello Shakira! I’ve really got to tell you, I’ve...

Mon, 30 May 2011 01:27:52 -0700

Hello Shakira! I’ve really got to tell you, I’ve had my eye on you for quite some time, and well I guess I just finally worked up the nerve to ask you if you’d be my girlfriend! As I’m sure you’ve read, I totally love girls like you. I’m referring to Mexicans or Cubans or whatever else kind of Mexican you might be. I’m not really sure exactly what type you are, but I do know that you are super hot. Every time I see you in a music video I wonder what it would be like to take you home and have you rock my world (with sex). HOLD YOUR HORSES, Shakira, before we go any further we need to clear some stuff up. See, this isn’t a one-way street and I want you to understand that. It’s not just going to be me sitting around all day waiting for you to get home and shake your hips all over me and grind my dick off or whatever, I’m going to be doing some work too. I can mow the yard and I can also change light bulbs and basically just do manly stuff around the house. I can ride a bicycle pretty good and can roller skate to an above average degree. I’ll also never be ashamed to introduce you to my friends or to be seen in public with you, I promise. Being with me is like being in Heaven except you can get drunk and have sex and stuff still. I’ve been thinking that if we got together we could make some pretty good music. I don’t know if you’ve put a new album out recently or not, but I can definitely give you some hot tips for your next one. For example, I was thinking that we could make a song about having sex, but instead of instruments it’s just a recording of us having sex and then we use one of those Little Wayne (I think that’s his name) singy-voice changers to make our sex sounds carry a tune. I was thinking something maybe similar to “Burning Down the House” but I haven’t decided yet so don’t fucking hold me to that. Another idea is that we could invent some kind of new sound that whenever you hear it you actually also see visions and smell smells in your mind’s eye. So what we would do, for example, is hook up in a bathtub full of mushroom gravy or something that smells delicious and then when civilians listen to the music they’ll see us fucking and smell the delicious gravy and just be like “man, if we’d had this back in the 90s things would be great.” One thing that I really like about you other than your music is your beautiful body and your cute smile and your cool hair. Well, I guess that’s three things but fucking chill out, I’m giving you a compliment here so don’t split hairs about it. I really won’t put up with any kind of condescending smartass shit, so if you’re thinking about pulling any of that garbage with me you’d better knock that fucking idea right out of your beautiful head. Sometimes I dream about what it would be like if we were together, and I don’t want to wake up. For example in one dream we had a lot of sex, but we were having sex on a cloud and then my cell phone rang and it was sister and she was trying to find a new apartment and then I was back on the ground and we went to this apartment building and there was a big snowman there and he was really drunk and I ran away and then I was in a big room that was kind of circle-style shaped and you were in there and I fucked the shit out of you and you loved it, even though you acted like it was only regular-type sex because you didn’t want me to get a big head over how good I was at fucking you. I know that was a lot to follow but the point is that you are in my dreams and I’m pretty goddamn sure I’m in yours. Anyway, just give me a shout, and we’ll get together and just see how it goes. I don’t have a twitter or anything but you can fax me at work if nothing else, my boss will make sure I get it. I am falling in love with you.

Hello Elizabeth Mitchell! It’s me, Roman! Wow, you are...

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 00:30:00 -0700

Hello Elizabeth Mitchell! It’s me, Roman! Wow, you are just a handful of adorable, aren’t you? You know, you’ve got a really great smile and you’re such a good actress. I’m being honest, but I guess I should admit I didn’t say all those nice things just for no good reason. I said them because I want you to be my girlfriend, obviously, pay attention. You have got to be one of the prettiest girls to ever lay in the grass and show your cleavage. You’re welcome, I’m just being honest. You know, I saw you in Lost and I was like “wow, she sure is something, she oughta be my girlfriend.” But I never realized that you were that blonde that got all topless with Angelina Jolie in Gia! I watched that movie way back in high school just because I knew there were going to be boobs in it (this was before everybody had computers and internet, so boobs in a movie was a big deal). Little did I know I was looking at a really sweet and compassionate talented woman with a seriously nice ass and rack. I thought of some good dates we can go on to get this thing started, so I guess now’s as good a time as any to share them.

1. Let’s go to the zoo and have sex in the bathroom by the gift shop.

2. I’ll take you to a nice dinner (wherever you want as long as it’s not mexican food) and then as we’re leaving we can hold hands and go for a stroll. During the stroll you’ll turn to me and say “I’ve had such a good time, I can’t wait to get a piece of that dick.” and I’ll be like, “who said anything about waiting?” and then you’ll smile and reach down my pants and I’ll be like “seriously, though, let’s take this indoors somewhere because i’m not trying to get arrested.” And then we’ll go back to your place and it’s boning-central all night long.

3. We can make one of those celebrity sex videos, except ours will be super hardcore, like really rough and scary, and people will know not to fuck with us.

4. I’ll take you to a nice hill on a clear night and point out the constellations and we’ll laugh and get to know each other and also I’ll finger you and then we’ll go back to your place and get started on idea number 3 which I described above.

Pretty sweet, eh? I know, I’m a sucker for romance but I also am a sucker for you and also for having sex with you. I read up on you so that I could really present you with an ideal situation here, and I found out you’re married or whatever and you have a kid. I know some good lawyers, so you can leave that dude and I’ll make sure you don’t have to spend any time with that kid so that you can start a new life with me. And if for some reason you want to bring the kid along, hey, that’s cool with me, I just want to make sure he knows that when nighttime comes he’d better get his own goddamn drink of water or read to his damnself because we’re going to be sexualizing all over the motherfucking house.

I know you’ve been through a lot, what with traveling through time and whatnot on that Lost island, but I’ll help you cope with being back in the real world. I’m pretty sure you’re still alive and not made up, I don’t know, I really didn’t understand that show at all, plus I don’t have cable I just steal a few channels from my neighbor’s satellite so I watched most of it in Mexican language. I do know that you were definitely the one with the sweetest knockers and the roundest booty on that whole show, and that makes you alright in my book. Please go out with me, I like you a lot.

Hello Alison Brie! By now you’ve probably heard of me,...

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 14:58:38 -0800

Hello Alison Brie! By now you’ve probably heard of me, and I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that you’ve considered being my girlfriend. And who can blame you? Not me! I think it’s a GREAT idea! I’ve got a few reasons why a match between us would be good. For example, we are both sorta famous, but not nearly as famous as we should be. If we got together and had all kinds of freaky public sex, we’d be ALL OVER the news (and each other). Just think of all that publicity! I think you are so super cute in Community, and I’m sure you’re good in whatever that AMC show is with old timey people in fancy clothes. I tried to watch it once but nobody was farting or anything so I thought it was kinda boring. NOT THAT I’M NOT A CLASSY DUDE! I can TOTALLY watch stuff where people don’t fart or talk about boob and stuff. I think that if you wanted to, maybe we could watch some movies or something together. My favorites are Bad Boys II, Black Knight and House Party II. If you wanted to watch something classier (as long as it still leads to having sex later, because I really want to have sex with you) we can watch something else, but you’ll probably need to bring it, since I probably don’t own whatever it is. I might be able to borrow some videos from my grandma, but we’ll need a vcr, and i don’t think she’ll lend me hers because she uses it a lot. You should totally hang out at my grandma’s with me, she’s a good cook and the house is always warm. Plus she has an extra bedroom and goes to bed early so we could fuck all night. Plus we can try all sorts of loud and violent sexual experiments because she’s old and no way she’ll hear us. Sometimes I see that really cute smile on your face and I just want to turn it into a sort of passionate scream or grunt by sexing you up an hour or two. And I’ll spend a lot of money on you too, since we’ll both probably be making tons after we get super famous. I’ll buy whatever you want. I’ll buy the rights to your favorite movie and we’ll remake it and make you the star and it’ll be even better than the original. I’ll even hire some hotshot director like that guy that directed those new mean Batman movies and that movie where DiCaprio goes into everybody’s dreams (yet there’s like no fucking ever, how about a little realism?). I think you have the prettiest eyes ever, I like to look in them when i’m watching your show (on Hulu, I’m not paying that fucking criminal cable company a goddamned dime) and then pretend you are looking at me. And then when I pretend that, I walk out of the room and pretend you are like “dang, he’s so handsome, but he always ignores me, I wish there was just some way to get through to him!” I always mean to pretend some more stuff after that, but by then i’m in the kitchen and i remember i bought some Totino’s pizzas at the grocery store because they were 5 for 4 dollars and they just taste so damn good. So I make the pizza and when i finish eating it I normally play some xbox, but after that I come back into my bedroom and i see that Hulu is still up and I’m like “OH YEAH, ALISON!” and get back into the mood. I sort of got off track a little bit there, but I want to be honest with you. Honesty is important. So I’ll be honest with you now. I know almost nothing about you except for the fact that I really want to put parts of me into parts of you for longer than most people expect. That proves how much of a risk i’m willing to take with this relationship, seeing as how we’re almost strangers. So take a chance on me, Alison, because we might be meant for each other, and even if we aren’t we can sleep together and I guarantee a few orgasms (probably less orgasms for me, but i’m willing to take that tradeoff for your sake).

Roman here again, just wanting to give a personal message to my...

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 20:15:42 -0800

Roman here again, just wanting to give a personal message to my readers. Sorry it’s been a while, but the holiday madness was taking control of a lot of things and kept me away from my beloved celebrity beauties. I just wanted to take the time to wish you a happy new year, and I hope you had a good Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever other religion thing that I don’t know about day. Get ready for a return to regular updates that won’t stop until I AM DATING A CELEBRITY. See you in 2011 (especially if you’re hot)!!!

Hello Kathleen Turner from 1984! I’ve got my eyes on you...

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 20:09:28 -0800

Hello Kathleen Turner from 1984! I’ve got my eyes on you and think that perhaps a career in the girlfriend business (specializing in me) is for you! You know, when I was a kid, I loved Romancing the Stone and Jewel of the Nile and I’m pretty sure that when I watched one of those movies at around 4 years old I got my first boner. As far as I was concerned, you INVENTED the boner, Kathleen Turner from 1984! Everything about you just makes me all fired up about fucking you. You’re tall, you have a super sexy voice, and you love adventure. Now before I go any further, I need to clarify that I am INTERESTED IN THE 1984 MODEL ONLY. This is going to be very difficult. As I’ve attempted with Sally Field, I do believe some sort of time machine is really going to be the primary way that we can meet one another. I do believe that if you can converse with some alchemists or perhaps a wise-man you might be able to get ahold of a potion of some kind that allows you to return to your former glory. I would even settle for some form of “Quantum Leap” device that allows me to return to 1984 but in the body of some other dude, much like in the show “Quantum Leap” from which the device is named. You see, you are a very funny woman and have a good heart, but you still got kinda old and well, let’s just admit it, you’re not as super-smoking hot at all now. And that’s cool, it’s just not cool if we’re going to fuck a lot. It seems to me that you have a lot more resources that can make this happen, and that’s why I think MAINLY the responsibility should be on you to figure this out. I bring a lot of charisma and boyish charm to the table, and plus I’ve already made the first step by asking you out, so you have to make the second step of reimagining everything we know about technology and finding a way for us to be together. That being said, let’s return to the TRUE EMOTIONAL NATURE of why we should be together. When I look into your eyes, I can just imagine falling in love with you. Imagine, the two of us, in love, looking into each other’s eyes, me pumping you like a goddamn piston, filling you with ecstasy. It would be so romantic. Then, if some guy kidnaps your sister and then you have to go on a daring adventure in south america to rescue her, you could hire me as your guide, and we will get drunk and have sex and smoke weed in a crashed airplane JUST LIKE IN ROMANCING THE STONE! And get this…Michael Douglas bones younger women all the time, and he hasn’t aged all that much…if you can just find a way to reclaim your physical glory you can REALLY STICK IT TO HIM by hooking up with me. I’m always thinking about you, don’t you see? You’re number one in my book, baby, and that’s something a lot of boyfriends won’t say. I would make sure that we live in a mansion where all of the doors are replaced by falling sheets of water, and you can always wear a white blouse and that way you can always look as hot as you did in the waterfall scene in Romancing the Stone. And also in the mansion, i’ll hire a bunch of butlers and stuff that everytime you walk by them they’ll have to look down or avert their eyes, and if they don’t I’LL FUCKING KILL THEM RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT. How about that kind of loyalty and dedication? Yeah, i thought so. I was also thinking that maybe we could do our own version of one of those 80s softcore porn/thriller movies you did. I already have a kickass plot. Check it out:

Roman is a drifter. He rides his motorcycle into town and stops at a bank, and right when he does the bank gets blown up by teenage punks. As soon as that happens, though, the police see Roman and say “only a motherfucking drifter would blow up Old Lady Keller’s bank.” He hops on his motorcycle and drives as fast as he can, and he only barely gets away when the police pop huge boners because they have to look at his sexy butt while he’s driving away from them on his motorcycle in the chase. The police say “the only way we can catch this sexy stud is to get someone who CAN’T GET A BONER to chase him down.” So they go to the police-house where there’s a new hotshot detective, and nobody gives her any credit because she’s a woman (rightly). She’s played by Kathleen Turner from 1984 (you), and she’s like “I see some young teenage punks blew up that old lady’s bank as well as her poor cats.”
The other officer is like, “Yeah, but it wasn’t punks, it was Roman.”
And she’s like “The drifter with the sexy ass?”
“Yeah”
“Did you make an arrest?”
“No, he gave us giant boners and we couldn’t move out steering wheels without sawing our dicks off.”
“And so you need me to go get him because I can’t get a huge boner.”
“Exactly.”
“Fine, I’ll do it.”
and so she comes after me. But she corners me she gets so wet that she goes flying out of her convertible, and so Roman has to cruise in and catch her. One of the Teenage punks takes a picture of it in order to frame her. They immediately go to Roman’s hotel room, and she’s like “I can’t do this, I’m a cop”
and Roman shows her his wang and is like “I’m going to conduct an “internal investigation” if you know what I mean.”
Then we have TONS of sex and then some stuff happens and it’s over.

Pretty good shit, huh? Yeah, I came up with that all by myself, no big deal. Anyway, Kathleen Turner from 1984, I really just want a chance at making you feel special because there’s nobody quite like you and that’s really something to be proud of. I just want you to know that I care about you, and will do anything to stand by you and make you feel more loved than ever before. Also I’d like to make it clear one more time I’m interested in the younger Kathleen Turner, not the weird older one that played Chandler’s dad on friends. Please be my girlfriend, Kathleen Turner from 1984.

Don’t call me at work, just text me and I’ll call you when i get off.

Hello Nicki Minaj! I just wanted to…HOLY SHIT! IS THAT...

Fri, 26 Nov 2010 23:26:32 -0800

Hello Nicki Minaj! I just wanted to…HOLY SHIT! IS THAT REALLY YOUR ASS!? Okay, Nicki Minaj, I’m pretty fucking serious here. Have you considered a life as my girlfriend? If not, you should. Here’s why: I am an awesome freestyle rapper. Plus I drop sick beats. Just imagine if we teamed up! We’d be like Timbaland and Missy Elliot except WAY FUCKING SEXIER. It would definitely be gold and platinum, ice on tha chain, ALL DAY LONG. And what will we do all night? If you were so fucking smart you’d know by now. We’d have the most sincere and primal sex-venture of all time!!!!! I’ve only known who you are for about 30 hours, but I’d say it’s safe to say we’re perfect for each other. WHOA, I didn’t say I LOVE you, it’s WAY too early for that. Keep your panties on, I’m not in them yet (but I will be probably soon.) I’m not sure what the hell exactly is going on that picture, i guess you’re hosting some kind of fasion show or a kid’s choice awards or something, whatever, either way I’ll be there for you, supporting you. And if we do go to the kid’s choice awards, I have a spectacular idea. We’ll walk out together and I’ll be like “It sure is awesome being a sexy celebrity couple here on nickelodeon.”

and you’ll say, “No shit, we’re definitely giving teenagers a boner and soggy panties, depending on the gender of the viewer.”

and I’ll be like, “You know something baby? I’ve wanted you ever since I saw your ass in that music video when I was hanging out at my mom’s house on thanksgiving after I ate like a fucking horse.”

and you’ll say, “I’ve wanted you ever since I saw what groups and interests and stuff you liked on facebook.”

Then we’ll hug, and your sweet rack will press against my manly chest and i’ll start to get a partial boner, and everyone will see it through my pants made out of diamonds, and you’ll say, “Do you know who’s going to win this award for best kid in a shitty show?”

and I’ll say, “I don’t know”

WHICH TRIGGERS THE NICKELODEON SLIME!!!

And then we’ll get soaked in that green slime, and everyone will start laughing so hard they shit themselves! But that’s not all! We’ll start fucking right there on the stage, covered in that green slime, and we’ll hire some gangstas to make sure they don’t cut to commercial, and the whole world will be treated to the greatest lovemaking of all time. THAT is the kind of thing I bring to the table. Spontaneity, unpredictability, fame and fortune. But we can only do this if we’re together, don’t you SEE!? So please, please, PLEASE, Nicki Minaj, let’s get together and create something beautiful.

I work mostly days so any day this week is good after 4.

Hello Annie (Hot Blonde on The Price is Right)!!! Glad you...

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 19:17:18 -0800

Hello Annie (Hot Blonde on The Price is Right)!!! Glad you stopped by. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now you’re a real hot commodity, what with appearing on this blog and all. I’m pretty sure you’ll be rich pretty soon, what with your mad game show skills. I’m not normally the type of guy to tie myself to a chick who’s fame is TV only, but I’ll make an exception this time, mainly because of moneymaking potential on game shows. I think you should be my girlfriend, Annie (Hot Blonde on The Price is Right) and here are the best fucking reasons you’ll EVER find to date anybody (but mostly me).

FIRST: I’ll never get in your way while you are cooking or cleaning. I respect your need to be a woman, and won’t let a bunch of modern bullshit hooplah about feminism get in the way.

SECOND: I’m seriously dangerous, and that can add a great deal of excitement and mystery in your life. I’ll come home and I’ll have a bandage on my hand and blood on my shirt and you’ll say:

“Where have you been? By the way, you are really sexy.”

And I’ll be like, “Nowhere. Just keeping you, and America, safe.”

And you’ll say “Your tormented past and dedication to duty turns me on.”

And I’ll say, “It turns me on too. See you upstairs.”

You know where it goes from here*. I know this scenario makes you seriously pumped, but it’s not going to happen unless you get off your shitty damned high-horse and get ready to make big things happen.

THIRD: My car is TOTALLY paid off, which means no annoying car payments when we’re splitting your gameshow money.

And that’s only THREE reasons out of countless THOUSANDS! Now I want to warn you, it’s true that many times women have trouble being in a relationship with me for long because I’m so fucking awesome, and it makes them feel self conscious because I’m so out of their league. But it’s important for you to look at this from MY perspective: Think how hard it is to find love in this world when NO LIVING PERSON is a match for your EINSTEIN-ROBOT brain, your 1950s movie star charisma, your impeccable sense of style, your BOUNDLESS potential, and your gigasweet wang. It’s lonely at the top, Annie (Hot Blonde from The Price is Right), but I think it’s time you took my hand and joined me on a pedestal above humanity. And don’t get confused, it’ll be one of those pedestals like at the olympics, where I’m on the top one and you’re on the one where the silver medalist stands, and the rest of humanity is all crammed on the third one fighting over a shitty piece of bronze.

*that’s when we bang.

Hello Christina Applegate! How good of you to come by! You...

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 13:02:57 -0800

Hello Christina Applegate! How good of you to come by! You certainly are beautiful, and that is one of my top favorite things about you. I was thinking that maybe if you’re not seeing somebody, you might want to be my girlfriend. I was also thinking that if you ARE seeing somebody, maybe you should try taking a break and exploring other options. For example, enjoying a sexually healthy relationship with me. You know there are a number of reasons we’d do well together. For example, you are a really funny girl, but you always work best when paired with a much funnier male (ie married with children, anchorman). I can be that guy! Think about all the success we’ll enjoy together, all of the money we will be up to our assholes in. There are a ton of things I’ll do for you, too. Other than give you ABSOLUTELY the best sex of your entire life, I will also fix the car if it gets broken, and I will rake the yard. Still not impressed? Okay, then try this fucking shoe on for size: I will DO MY OWN LAUNDRY. How about that? Yeah, I thought so. You know what’s also great is that I will get along with your dad, because me and Al Bundy have a lot in common. I always thought he was a really cool guy, and he’s really funny. There’s no way he’ll want to beat my ass because he will realize that I AM A MAN and not some pussy like Steve or Jefferson. Christina Applegate, you are one of the few women on television that, and this is impressive, has a smile so beautiful it can distract from your sexy fucking body. You know, it would really mean a lot to me if you would give me a chance to be your man. Oh, hey, wanna know something else about me? I’m REALLY good at rock band. Don’t you wanna show off my sick guitar hero skills to your friends? They’ll be so impressed, I’m talking wet lady-parts ALL NIGHT LONG. And know what else? I don’t care who your friends are, how hot they are, and how much they want my megabone to change to their lives, you’re the only one for me. I’ll tell them to go to hell, I already got a lady (unless one of them if Salma Hayek). And even if one of them IS Salma Hayek, I won’t leave you out, it’ll totally be a 3 way. In fact, to make it up to you, I’ll let you pick someone to be in a 3 way with us too. I will totally have sex with you and one other person of your choosing (so long as they are female or named Brad Pitt, Robert Downey Jr. or John Goodman. What? Don’t judge me.) Okay Christina Applegate, I don’t know what else to tell you right now, I just hope that you’ve seen my heart poured out all over this stupid fucking internet and realize what a good thing this will be for us. I’m willing to take a chance on you and that’s something you shouldn’t take lightly. We could be SOULMATES, who knows.

PS: Don’t add me on facebook, Christina, unless you’re serious, because I don’t want other chicks to get scared off.